Tuesday, May 29, 2012

things I'm afraid to tell you...

I've finally come to a point where I'm okay with writing this post.  I've read a few other inspiring posts on this very subject and though it's scary I thought I would give it a try.

As therapeutic as writing has been for me, since I purchased my first journal in sixth grade, it has also been a tad bit scary.  You're allowing your vulnerability to come through your words on paper.  The feelings and thoughts that are inside of you are now readily and somewhat available to the seeking eyes of someone else.

But I've always found peace in writing.  There's a connection between your heart, soul, and mind to the tips of your fingers forming the words on paper.  When I started blogging, I thought of it as a way to connect with other people, to share my life since I was moving an ocean and half a continent away from the home I love and the family & friends I miss so dearly.  I've been true to the sharing of my life, but as others have stated before, there's a part of us that all bloggers keep hidden and perhaps all of us do it at some point.  There's a part of us that we keep to ourselves in hopes of sharing only our best self.  But it makes me wonder, does holding that part of us keep us from being our true self? Blogger, friend, wife, girlfriend, daughter, sister?

So here's my list...

1.  I worry that I was too late to seek and begin my journey towards my dream career.  That working different jobs after college has gotten me no where, that all the work I've done in the past calendar year will be wasted and I won't know what to do with myself.  My biggest goal right now is doing everything I need to do to be accepted to an Occupational Therapy Master's program in the west.  I prefer a two calendar year program so I can hurry up and start doing what I know in my heart is my calling.  Despite my past experiences, I don't think I've lived the best life I could have after college.  There were many roads traveled that had taken me the hard way to learn some lessons.  My biggest fear is that I was too late.  Too late to begin my path to my dream, too late to pursue positions that would give me more confidence in my abilities. 

2.  I'm a pretty positive and bubbly person by nature.  And I do almost all that I can to see the silver linings in challenging situations.  However, life isn't always sunshiney and rosey, it can be prickly and a pain in the rear to be completely honest.  And when I'm in those moments of thorn bushes and rocky trails it is those moments when my confidence is being tested.  I've grown up pretty humbly and only recently have been able to accept compliments graciously.  I've even been in a few pageants in my past, which feels like it was in a different lifetime, but I've never felt better than anyone else.  I believe, I've even told one of my best friends this very line, it's not like I don't think I'm pretty (blah, blah, blah), I just think that there are other people out there who are pretty too.  Perhaps prettier, nicer, smarter, etc.  This has played a role in my relationships too.  Mostly because my last two relationships seemed to always look backwards at what they missed about their exes.   I fear, that though my personality is naturally happy, positive, and confident it will only do so much and never be enough...

3.  I love chocolate and my sweet tooth has been with me from the time I was born.  I guarantee I craved sugar when I was still in my mother's tummy.  I strive to eat and be healthy in my daily life, but chocolate and sweets are apart of my everyday life.

4.  Picking up and moving somewhere that's somewhat new, (I have no roots here) was probably the biggest change for me.  I have no car and have yet to learn completely and confidently how to drive a stick shift.  So, my lack of independence to drive where I need to go and having to adjust to being away from my friends, can be very lonely.  Don't get me wrong though, I absolutely adore being close to Joel's family and being able to see my niece, sister, and brother in law here, I just fear I'll be unable to carve out my own story here in Nebraska.  That I won't be able to make any friends of my own here... gasp! A crazy thought, I know, but it's a fear that has come across my mind more than once. 

5.  In the virtual world it may seem as though I have my life is all put together neatly and strategically.  But outside of the computer world I'm pretty emotional, my boyfriend tells me all the time.  I tend to feel too much or I am too nice and therefore really vulnerable.  I fear that my emotional thoughts will get in the way of the best life I can have and the best person I can be. (Currently, I've been trying to meditate twice a day to keep this in check, I'm still working on this!)  

6. Lastly, my worst fear is that this blog has been for nothing.  That, because I'm a newbie with all of this virtual blogging world, that the fancier, more talented blogs will keep mine in the dust.  The little negative nancy comes a poppin' and tells me that no one reads it.  In my heart, I just hope that someone will find my story interesting and maybe inspiring.

Thanks for reading all the way through, I truly appreciate you taking the time to read!

Hope you have a great tuesday and God bless!


Bri Buzali said...

What a great post, I especially liked one and two. Also the third, keep blogging because you love it :) and the rest will follow.

Tammy @ Lemons, Avocados and the Bay said...

Heyy just found you through your comment on Jen's (Punky's) blog. I'm actually an OT, and I got my master's at USC in LA. Let me know if you have any questions or need any advice along the way =)


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